War Poppy (War #1)
4.5 "love isn't easy" stars
"Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there…I do not sleep. I am the thousand winds that blow.."
It started with a tragedy, with a loss of Connor Blaine's life in combat. And it changed lives of two people left behind. His best friend and war buddy Brandon O'Kieffe and his wife, now widow Poppy Turner. They were a trio, best childhood friends who shared more than the sense of friendship, they shared the sense of gravity, the completion and unity...
We were happy once, and now – look at us. We're nothing more than empty shells. You remind me of everything I've lost, and it fucking breaks me all over again.
Brandon never came back, physically nor emotionally and Poppy left everything behind her to find him, to try and reach for that one piece of completion and sense she once had...
<blockquote><b><i>Connor was, no doubt, part of my soul, but Brandon, he's part of my heart.</blockquote></b></i>
She finds Brandon, shattered and broken beyond recognition, fighting under the name Brandon "The Breaker" Blaine. And he can't give her anything cause he's empty beyond repair. And Poppy wants to help him cause she needs to help herself heal, she lingers onto his broken soul cause she's the missing piece of the broken, shattred mozaic they existed in.
<blockquote><b><i>I'm not running. Just turning my back on the things I don't want to acknowledge. Some call it cowardice, and inability to cope. I call it survival instinct.</
Brandon and Poppy co-exist in the same space, shattered by grief as they slowly try to grab onto the thin thread of sense and meaning of life when everything seems just the opposite - meaningless, empty abyss of void.
But slowly they connect again through shared grief, pain and sorrow as they find comfort and consolation in memories and reminiscense of times past...
Brandon O'Kieffe was my first crush, my first kiss,
and the first boy to ever break my heart.
But even though they acknowledge the mutual feelings that were long burried and denied for so long, they surfice overwhelming them both, into the messy and confusing and eaten up by guilt emotional turmoil.
We're trapped in this swirling vortex of guilt and anger,
twisted love and desperate need.
I wonder how we got here? Two lost souls trying to save each other from unsalvageable events. She may be my hope but I'm surely her destruction. I just wish she would see it. I wish she would run but she won't because she has nothing to run to.
and Brandon's issues caused by war, flashbacks, nightmares and rage outbursts, followed by the relentless drunken escapades and his own low value of himself...he doesn't feel worthy of her...
It was messed up but even back then I knew he was a better man for her, I knew he deserved her in a way I never would.
and when he tries to seek help and deal with the PTSD, the "normalcy" isn't the solution for Brandon, it's torture cause he is long gone by now...and he's barely coping, lingering in there, for Poppy, for the illusion of chance to have a fulfilled life with her...
„I'll never be what you want me to be! I hate this. I hate that fucking job. I hate this bullshit life. I don't fit in your perfect fucking box.“
„Everything in life is a risk, you just have to decide which risks are worth taking, and to me, you are a risk worth taking because without you, without what we have, I will merely be existing. And I want to live, Brandon."
and yet, in this mental and emotional chaos, Poppy is the tiny resemblance of piece he's aching for...
I've always loved you, Poppy.
BUT sometimes LOVE isn't enough...
...sometimes we think we're helping someone and all we're doing is placing a Band-Aid over a bullet hole.
And then you complete the circle of grieving, as you embrace the loss, and hang on to the loving memories to heal from and cope in avoidance of being stuck in one tragic moment of time.
„This isn't goodbye, only see you later."
Wild is the wind by Bon Jovi
I tried to make you happy You know I tried so hard to be What you hoped that I would be I gave you what wanted God couldn't give you what you need You wanted more from me Than I could ever be You wanted heart and soul But you didn't know, baby
Wild, wild is the wind That takes me away from you Cold is the night without your love To see me through Wild, wild is the wind That blows through my heart
You need someone to hold you Somebody to be there night and day Someone to kiss your fears away I just went on pretending Too weak, too proud, too tough to say I couldn't be the one To make your dreams come true That's why I had to run Though I needed you, baby
Wild, wild is the wind That takes me away from you Cold is the night without your love To see me through, baby Wild, wild is the wind That blows through my heart tonight That tears us apart
Maybe a better man Would live and die for you Baby, a better man would Never say goodbye to you
Wild, wild is the wind That takes me away from you Cold is the night without your love To see me through, baby Wild, wild is the wind That blows through my heart tonight That tears us apart
I really liked this book. It deals with serious subject of PTSD which is very close to real life matter and it gives the story gravid essence as the issues are vividly and authentically described and portrayed through out the actions of the main character.
The story is emotional and eaqualy fulfilling and devastating in notion of grief, pain, helplessness as the both characthers try to heal and cope in their own way...
The ending was expectedly gut-wrenching as it was hard to grasp the final act, I could understand the reasoning even though i found it a bit disappointing in the final message given to me as a reader. I hoped it wouldn't come to that as I found myself involuntarily clutching my fists, rooting in altercation for the final resolvment.
I do have to comment on the secondary cast, though. Usually the secondary characters give a moral and emotional support to the main characters in resolving the issues or problems or situations, unfortunately here, I felt like they actually sped up the general downfall for them, and therefore, for me, as well.
Nevertheless, it's a story you might wanna pay extra attention to, cause the authorsLP Lovell and Stevie J. Cole now writing under the name Nicole Lynne wrote remarkably authentic emotional and painfully beautiful story of real life issues that are truly difficult to grasp to begin with.
